To forgive somebody is to say, in one way or another, . . .

To forgive somebody is to say, in one way or another, “You have done something to me that is unspeakable and inexcusable.  However, I value our relationship too much to allow what you have done to destroy it.”

Put another way, forgiveness is neither amnesty nor amnesia.  To suggest that, in order to forgive another person, we have to overlook or forget what was done is both unjust and unrealistic.  Some wounds are so severe, and cut so deep, that not even the passing of time brings complete healing.  Instead, forgiveness is a merciful gift—both to ourselves and to the other person—which allows the relationship between us to continue.

This is what I think Jesus is getting at when he teaches us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”  Contrary to what some have claimed, Jesus is not saying here that God’s forgiveness is contingent upon our forgiveness (i.e., God will not forgive us unless we forgive others).  Neither is he suggesting that the extent of God’s forgiveness is determined by the extent of ours (i.e., God will forgive us only as much as we forgive others).  In the first place, forgiveness that carries those kinds of conditions isn’t really forgiveness at all; and in the second place, sometimes our inability to forgive one another is precisely what we need God to forgive us of the most.

What Jesus is pointing out is that the same stubborn pride that keeps us from extending forgiveness to others may also keep us from experiencing God’s forgiveness.  That is, if our hearts are so tightly clinched that we refuse to forgive those who have wronged us, then we may also have trouble receiving God’s forgiveness—not because God is unwilling to bestow it—but because our tightly-clinched hearts are not opened wide enough for God’s grace to flow into them!

Consider the scene at Caesarea Philippi when Jesus tells Peter, “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven” (Mt. 16:19).  For the longest time, I found this verse to be terribly problematic.  Surely, Jesus is not suggesting that we get to decide what God will do.  After all, we’re in no position to dictate what is sinful in God’s eyes and what is not.

However, there may be another way to read these words.  Perhaps what Jesus is saying is that when we “loose” the sins of others, our own hearts are loosened from the weight of brooding over those hurts that others have caused us.  And when we “bind” the sins of others, then our hearts are similarly bound with the weight of carrying those hurts around with us.  In effect, forgiveness becomes a way of setting our own hearts free!

It’s not easy.  Sometimes it doesn’t even seem fair.  But in my experience, forgiveness is not really about releasing the other person; it’s about releasing ourselves.