Last weekend my wife and I packed up our daughter—along with what seemed like enough clothing, shoes, and accessories to supply a small department store—and moved everything out to the University of Alabama, where she will be attending school this year. To be honest, Noah probably took less on the ark than we somehow managed to cram into the back of our Toyota 4Runner!
At any rate, somewhere during the eleven-hour trek eastward along Interstate 20, I began to wonder, “Will my daughter ever appreciate everything we’ve tried to do for her?” It’s a fair question—and I’m certainly not the first parent to have entertained it. But upon reflection, I finally concluded that it may not be the right question, because parents who expect their children to verbally, or demonstratively, “appreciate” what has been done for them usually find that the child grows up resentful and rebellious.
Please don’t misunderstand; we still need to teach our children the importance of expressing gratitude. But if you love your children with the sole objective that, one day, they will love you in return, then you have turned love into an obligation—or worse still, a debt.
The famed psychologist Theodor Reik points out that, unlike other relationships, the love parents show their children is not rooted in reciprocity. It’s not meant to be paid back, but rather, to be passed on. Simply put, we love and provide for our children, so that they will eventually do the same for their children.
I’ve heard it claimed that the truest measure of successful childrearing is whether the children grow up to be respectful of their parents. But I’m not sure that tells the whole story. It seems to me that the real goal of childrearing is not to produce dutiful children, but to produce responsible adults, who, because of the love they experienced, go on to become loving parents themselves.
Do I hope that, one day, my daughter will appreciate everything I did for her? Sure. But that’s not why I did it. I’m not looking to be recognized for the sacrifices I made—and I’m certainly not expecting to be reimbursed. If my daughter grows up and gives the same attention and affection to her children that I’ve tried to show her, then that will be reward enough for me!
At any rate, somewhere during the eleven-hour trek eastward along Interstate 20, I began to wonder, “Will my daughter ever appreciate everything we’ve tried to do for her?” It’s a fair question—and I’m certainly not the first parent to have entertained it. But upon reflection, I finally concluded that it may not be the right question, because parents who expect their children to verbally, or demonstratively, “appreciate” what has been done for them usually find that the child grows up resentful and rebellious.
Please don’t misunderstand; we still need to teach our children the importance of expressing gratitude. But if you love your children with the sole objective that, one day, they will love you in return, then you have turned love into an obligation—or worse still, a debt.
The famed psychologist Theodor Reik points out that, unlike other relationships, the love parents show their children is not rooted in reciprocity. It’s not meant to be paid back, but rather, to be passed on. Simply put, we love and provide for our children, so that they will eventually do the same for their children.
I’ve heard it claimed that the truest measure of successful childrearing is whether the children grow up to be respectful of their parents. But I’m not sure that tells the whole story. It seems to me that the real goal of childrearing is not to produce dutiful children, but to produce responsible adults, who, because of the love they experienced, go on to become loving parents themselves.
Do I hope that, one day, my daughter will appreciate everything I did for her? Sure. But that’s not why I did it. I’m not looking to be recognized for the sacrifices I made—and I’m certainly not expecting to be reimbursed. If my daughter grows up and gives the same attention and affection to her children that I’ve tried to show her, then that will be reward enough for me!
posted by Dr. Robert Crilley at
5:11 PM
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