I am of the belief that no intimate relationship . . .

I am of the belief that no intimate relationship, such as a marriage, can exist without there being some conflict along the way.  Regardless of how much you love your spouse, how well you communicate, how carefully you attend to each other’s needs, or how similar your personalities and values—sooner or later, conflicts will arise.  In the life of a marriage, there will always be at least some moments of tension and anger!

One can easily imagine Adam and Eve exchanging harsh words as they were ushered out of the Garden of Eden.

Adam (accusingly):      Just look at what you’ve done; you got us kicked out of paradise.

Eve (defensively):       How was I supposed to know that the serpent was deceiving me?

Adam (blaming):          Oh, come on; the serpent was hissing the whole time.  Anyone with half-a-brain could have seen that it was a trick.

Eve (sarcastically):       Well, if you’re so smart why did you take a bite?  You’re just as much at fault in this as I am!

And so it has gone down through the ages.

Social scientists, particularly psychologists, point out that we don’t really have much control over whether or not we experience anger.  Any time we feel threatened or under attack, an internal “alarm system” goes off within our bodies, preparing us either to fight or flee.  In other words, we’re hardwired to experience anger.

However, we do have a choice in how we express it.  The key, in my opinion, is to create a safe environment, so that when we become angry with our spouse—and eventually we all will—we can express it in a manner that is both honest and constructive.  If a couple were to covenant with each other never to get angry, that would be naïve and unrealistic.  But a couple can covenant that, when anger occurs, neither party will be rejected, abandoned, or hurt through physical or emotional abuse.

In this way we remove fear from the equation.  Keep in mind that the scriptures never say that “perfect love casts out all anger.”  What it says is that “perfect love casts out all fear.”