“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” So reads the opening sentence of Leo Tolstoy’s novel Anna Karenina. Although frequently quoted, I’m not sure that this statement is entirely accurate. True, when you are in the midst of a troubled marriage, it can often feel as if the problems that you and your spouse are having are unique just to the two of you. However, from my experience as a counselor, troubled marriages tend to share many things in common. The particular dynamic may vary from couple to couple, but the destructive patterns that couples develop are usually the same.

Permit me to lift up one for your consideration—namely, the inability, or perhaps the unwillingness, to distinguish between complaining and criticizing. Granted, we sometimes use these words interchangeably, but there is actually a very important distinction. A complaint is a statement of displeasure, or even anger, about a specific situation. A criticism involves blaming—or worse yet, personally attacking—whomever you feel is responsible for that situation.

For example, a complaint might sound something like this: “It upsets me that, when I came home tonight, there were still dirty dishes in the sink. I thought you said this morning that you would wash them.” A criticism (about the same situation, mind you) would sound more like this: “You left the dirty dishes in the sink again! Did you forget to wash them, or were you just too plain lazy? I can’t trust you to do anything, can I?”

Make no mistake; both statements are expressing anger. The difference is that the first statement is pointing out a problem you have with a given situation, while the second is pointing a finger of blame at your spouse. It may seem like I’m splitting hairs here; but trust me, it feels far worse to be on the receiving end of a criticism than a complaint. Moreover, a criticism is far more likely to produce defensiveness, or even resentment, in your spouse than a complaint.

Best to be honest, very few couples can completely avoid having differences of opinion over the course of a marriage. Indeed, expressing those differences—airing a complaint, if you will—though hardly a pleasant experience, is much healthier in the long run than simply bottling up one’s emotions for the sake of keeping the peace.

The real question is how the couple chooses to express their differences. Please don’t misunderstand; being critical is not evil. In the life of a marriage, it sometimes becomes necessary to point out one another’s faults. But if you are not careful, it is also very easy to start out complaining and end up criticizing. Hence, the key is to state your grievance in a manner that your spouse will not hear as a personal attack. Remember, when you are having an argument, the goal is always to try and solve the problem … not just lash out at your partner!